receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
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Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Worth the read.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?