Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
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Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Best mom ever 😂
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
oppen heimer style lol
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.