NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
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A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Hmmmmm
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Never be a pizza!
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
They’re not wrong
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.