MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
You Might Also Like
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Never forget.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.