A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
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everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.