Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
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I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Blew out my flip flop…
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021