A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
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Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
me as a parent
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
The struggle is real.