fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
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I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.