Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
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I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..