don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
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Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
reduce, reuse, recycle
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you