TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
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Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.