oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
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FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.