Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
You Might Also Like
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Can’t, holding a grudge
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot