GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
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Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
😩😩😩
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.