I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
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Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat