I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
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GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker