Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
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Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
this FaceApp is creepy af
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.