My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
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Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Lmbo
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Yes my dude
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I wish I were this cool 😂