ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
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I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway