Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
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Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Happy Halloween 🎃
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.