Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
You Might Also Like
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.