i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
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It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”