The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
You Might Also Like
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed