[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
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*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago