[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
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Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Not even remotely sorry.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay