*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
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20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Which wines pair best with gloating?
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”