Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
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*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.