8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
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hmm conte-me mais
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
That 👊
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.