The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
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Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
There’s only one good girl here!
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…