8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
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*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy