the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
You Might Also Like
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”