Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
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Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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