It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
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*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
#oldknees
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
welp
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.