Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
You Might Also Like
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
still the best tweet of the year by far
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”