My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
You Might Also Like
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.