The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
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I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
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