Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
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Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
U talkin 2 me?
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.