“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
You Might Also Like
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
According to math, I’m broke
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa