What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
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Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Chemical wingman
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.