doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
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Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
But wait…
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.