Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
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I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
God, I love Scotland
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Education is vital
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.