The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
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when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me