*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
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[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
When does CPR become necrophilia?
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.