Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
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I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down