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[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Love this guy
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.