Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
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If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts