Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
You Might Also Like
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Bed should get ready for ME
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.