Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
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I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
japanese corn
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings