[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
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What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Me My dog
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.