No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
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“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in